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THIS WEEKS QUESTION:
What is the absolute worst movie ever made and why?
Discuss!
5 comments:
A Movie That Makes 'Judge Dredd' Look Like 'Citizen Kane'...
...or at least, 'Citizen Ruth.' The worst movie of all time is 'Bloodrayne', a film by Uwe Boll inspired by the PlayStation 2 video game.
Now, believe me, it was no big surprise that 'Bloodrayne' was a bad movie. Here is the synopsis from IMDB: "In eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives to avenge her mother's rape by her father, Kagan, King of Vampires. Two vampire hunters, Sebastian and Vladimir, from the Brimstone Society persuade her to join their cause."
My optimism isn't so self delusional that I could, for one second, believe that this movie could possibly be 'good'. I had hoped it might be 'so bad it's good' though. Again, why? The cast includes Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Meatloaf Aday, and BEN KINGSLEY! First, what could Uwe Boll (charmingly referred to as "Toilet Boll" by his frequent detractors) have on these actors to force them to wear awful wigs and spout terrible dialogue in this travesty of a film? I mean, Ben Kingsley was Ghandi AND the Sexy Beast! Not only does this 'turd on a stick' feature some fine actors looking embarrassed, it also features a cameo by both Billy Zane and Michael Paré.
The screenplay was written by Guinevere Turner - another reason for hope. Turner wrote the screenplays for 1994's 'Go Fish' and "American Psycho'. What the fuck??
So, we have on it's surface, some top quality talent (y'know - and Meatloaf) slumming, giving half line readings, trying on accents. It's because they were filming in Hawaii, yeah? No. Filmed entirely on location in Romania, vacation hotspot to the world. The movie looks as if a whole ten grand was spent on it. Poorly fitted costumes, clunky fight sequences, CGI vampire faces straight out of TV's 'Buffy", and horrible, HORRIBLE wigs.
Here's the rub: it could've been a much better film. Seriously. I'm not above the video game aesthetic when it comes to television or film. I love '24' in spite of the sub-par dialogue and seventh grader view of world politics and am a fanboy of both 'Spiderman' and the 'X-men' movies. The character in the video game is a sexy, snarky, superfine badass - like a female cross of Blade and James Bond. Turner and Boll turned her into another victimized woman who gets along because of her male guardians and isn't really much of a badass at all.
To close, here is my wife's review, posted on a 'Bloodrayne' fansite after three glasses of wine:
Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, and Meat Loaf must be involved in some blackmail kiddie porn scheme, because I can think of no other reason for these fine actors to participate in the biggest cinematic turd that I have ever seen. And, brother, my turd threshold is pretty high.
In terms of my BloodRayne gameplay, it's a pretty casual affair, though it's definitely one of my favorite games. Mostly, I really like playing a hot, razor tongued, bad ass part-vampire chick.
This movie totally blew it. Not only was this Rayne not not smart enough to get dressed by herself, let alone "smack-talk", she was no bad ass. Kristanna Loken is graceless (a trait that the frumpy leather outfit only exacerbates. It was mentioned earlier that "That's how clothes fit in those days". If that's true than why did Michelle Rodriguez' clothes look like hot snatch and Rayne's outfit look like an apple that had been left on the counter for too long?) and a crappy fighter.
They had the opportunity here to pull out a movie with wit and action. What they gave us was overwrought dialogue, barely visible action and marquee actors that appeared to be bleeding internally from embarrassment. Oh...and a totally bizarre soft-core sex scene that was fitting only for the now defunct "Red Shoe Diaries". I'm as big a fan of boob as the next guy, but come ON.
It was stated earlier that "It's there for a purpose. Entertainment." Why must it be that entertainment is synonymous with "corn-filled poo"?
Thank you for allowing my first post.
DABO
Violation of Expectations
With all due respect to Mr. Hall, the movie Blood Raine is based on a video game. Seriously. A video game. No material was fouled in this. to see the true turd of the world, one would have to look at
Gus Van Zandt's Last Days
Gus Van Zandt's Last Days is the look at the final days of Nirvana singer Kurt Cobain. Unfortunately, Gus Van Zandt is incapable of doing anything other than a Gus Van Zandt movie so it's basically about long, painful shots of people doing nothing and gay men making out.
Now, Gus did this with columbine (elephant) and to quote my brother "by the end I was ready for those kids to shoot everyone in the building just so something would happen"
he did this with some tragedy in New Mexico (gerry) but for fuck's sake, Gus, if you're going to masterbate non-sense onto the screen, leave my childhood heroes out of it.
Gus' filming style is to show people in everyday life doing absolutely nothing. Fuck you, Gus. Tell a fucking story. People don't go to the movies to watch themselves watching the movie. That's BORING.
In conclusion there is a super short list of people that need to be punched in the face for no other reason than the art that they procude. it is as follows
Bjork - musician - Medula
Gus Van Zandt - film maker - Last Days
-ryan dee-
For me, the telling moment of "Judge Dredd"(ful) is Jurgen Procnow, Armand Assante and some random Asian actress, all with big mouthfuls of exposition to chew on, before they spit them out, covered in their respective dialects. It's like watching people chew on rocks and the crunching sounds are supposed to be words that advance the story forward.
Also, the robot would be much cooler if it actually could walk around or move anything below the torso.
Also, Rob Schneider? Fuck you guys! That movie is a royal stinker!
Do you people not realize that we're talking about a video game adaptation and a comic book violation?
Who's worse - some dude that goes on a shooting spree in 7-11 or Pol Pot?
Pol Pot, because he set society back in cambodia for two generations. Look at the canvas that these people are fouling.
Oh, I think there's room on the Island of Misfit Movies for all of these stinkers. Granted, the question is "What is the Worst Movie Ever Made".
And I think that we're all missing the most obvious answer here...
Crispin Glover's "What is it"?
You know, the movie acted entirely by actors with Downs Syndrome and extreme mental retardation. Yeah, that movie. Here's the description from the wikipedia...
What Is It? is the name of a 2005 experimental film written, starring, funded and directed by Crispin Glover. It is described by IMDB as "The adventures of a young man whose principle interests are snails, salt, a pipe, and how to get home. As tormented by an hubristic, racist inner psyche." As of 2006, the film has only been shown at independent theaters, typically accompanied by a question and answer session, slideshow and meet-and-greet/autograph signing with Glover.
The film boasts an eclectic and unusual cast. Porn stars Kiva and Zoryna Dreams, as well as several other women, appear nude wearing animal heads. Most of the principal actors are young and have Down syndrome (though this condition is not addressed in the film). Fairuza Balk lends her voice to a real snail, and Glover's role in the film is officially described as "Dueling Demi-God Auteur and The young man's inner psyche.". It features swastikas, Shirley Temple in the nude, songs by cult-leader Charles Manson and deals with many types and symbols of racism and prejudice. He defended his choices of imagery in a 2005 interview: "It's really a film to help start these kinds of discussions. Why are these things taboo, and what does that mean for the culture itself? A culture will die a death of stupidity if it doesn't have different points of view." Glover made clear when touring with the film that he had no plans to sell it to a major studio nor release for home viewing.
What Is It? is the first in a planned trilogy, to be followed by It Is Fine. Everything Is Fine! and It Is Mine.
That is my official nomination for the Worst Movie Ever. Judge Dredd can sit down. The Champion has been found!
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