Field Sobriety Test: Shove this in your Whole, Foods!

Scathing Investigative Journalism

God, Allah, and Brigham Young all agree on one thing. People need a Sabbath to recoup from bad things. Now, in the olden days, a Jew, Muslim, or Mormon would work in the fields all week and need a day to concentrate on mental reflection. I, on the other hand, work on poetry, comedy, and literature all week. I need a day to do “real” things such as laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

I call this the Reverse Sabbath. My Reverse Sabbath is Sunday.

On a Sunday morning, I usually wake up, kick the three or four hawt chicks out of my apartment, and get to work. The first thing I do on reverse Sabbath is grocery shopping. I bundle up, get my money, and walk to the train (in often freezing cold). I take the train two stops to my local Jewel, and buy shit for my week. Why is this noteworthy, you ask? Because I live two doors from a Whole Foods Marked. This might seem silly to some, but wait for it.

For those of you who don’t live in the Chicago-land area, Whole Foods Market is a grocery store in this area that specializes in organic and specialty foods. It’s a collective of dread locks, thick rimmed glasses, and hummus that drives me up the effing wall. I travel very far away as to not shop at Whole Foods for two reasons. The first is a theoretical reason but the obvious one is that Whole Foods is crazy expensive, which brings us to this column’s

Fun Fact Section

For this week’s column, I took the Chicago Post Collective to the next level by doing some scathing investigative journalism. I walked to Whole Foods and Jewel with a pad and paper to write down prices (take that, Kathleen on the Scene). Here goes.



Yowzers, right? You know what, it’s a free market and if you want to spend your shit on that shit, that’s fine. But, the reason that you shouldn’t brings us to this column’s

Insight Section

Whole Foods is a fucking scam. One time, a friend of mine and I were sitting at a coffee shop minding our own when a big group of Whole Foods managers walked in and started going through a “check in” meeting. They were saying stuff like, we need to “add value” to this and we need to make sure we’re a team, not a group of “freelancers” and I thought, “Wow, that sounds like every douche bag manager I’ve ever had in a service industry.” Guess what readers! They are!

Whole Foods is in the all American business of anti-marketing. It’s text book snob-appeal marketing but snobs in America come in two forms – the elite and the modern hippie. The modern hippie gets satisfaction out of paying five dollars for a gallon of milk because they are actually paying for the fact that they better than people that eat gluten. It’s silly. No one should shop there. It’s label pricing filtered through anti-marketing. I hope they go out of business. This column has been short and angry. I apologize but walking to two grocery stores has eaten up all my thinking time.

The real conclusion here is that hippie culture has gone from an accepting turn away from the moderate fascism of everyday 50’s life into its own little sub set of elitism. This little sub-set of elitism has been co-opted (get it) by major marketing corporations such as Whole Foods and American Apparel. If you see a hippie on the street today, please tell them that they are hurting the world and that gluten actually tastes pretty good.

Super Short Poem

To My Cashier at the Grocery Store:

Nice tattoos.
Nice black hoodie.

Sweetie, I’ve got bad news.

You aren’t a revolution.
You’re a demographic.