Field Sobriety Test: A Brief Economics Lesson.

A Solid Investment of Your Time.

I’ve done some investigative work on the fan base of The Chicago Post Collective and it turns out that everyone that reads this webpage is broke. Tapped out. With Depleted Funds. Broke. I know this because everyone that I ever meet is fucking broke. My day job is in the financial world so I have an exponentially higher amount of contact with “financial gurus.” So, I’m here to help.

For those of you outside of my world, a “financial guru” is kind of the snake oil salesman of the financial world. They yell and jump around and chop up credit cards on stage and all together do a bunch of crazy shit…then they teach you how to save. They are basically televangelists whose God is money. This is assuming that all televangelists aren’t greedy fucks, but that’s a whole ‘nother column.

My favorite “financial guru” is Dave Ramsey. Dave is a bald, smiley, energetic Texan who hops around on stage and generally tap dances for his audience. He’s been on Oprah so you know he’s legit. There are two things about Dave Ramsey that make my love for him strange. The first is that his company, Financial Peace University, is faith based. I’m not a very Christian person but he has entire sections of his tapes where he talks about if a person should tithe on net or gross income. The other thing that makes my love for Dave strange is that my love for him is 100% un-ironic. I actually like this guy, however slimy he is. Dave is a Christian, Republican, showman…but he knows his shit, which brings us to this column’s

Fun Fact Section

Under current Bankruptcy laws, a bankrupt mofo (hereafter referred to as “mofo”(that’s legal talk)) has to go to two classes to get their debts removed.

The first class is called Consumer Credit Counseling and it’s done super early in the process. It’s super fast and can be done in a matter of minutes on the phone. The early reports on this thing is that it isn’t really helping anyone except for Counseling centers which, I’m sure if we looked deeper into them, are corrupt as the bee-jeesus.

The second class that a mofo has to go through is call Financial Budget counseling. In this class, a mofo learns to budget and save and how financial institutions such as credit card companies and banks learn.

What does this have to do with “financial gurus”, you ask? Well, Dave Ramsey’s company (Financial Peace University) is certified to give out Financial Budget counseling. No big deal, right? WRONG! It’s a very very round about way of giving a faith based organization an official government nod. This is some paranoid shit to me but I think eventually, it could be used in the Republican push to make Christian school more official.

Dave’s message, although faith based, is pretty good. Which brings us to this column’s

Insight Section

The two “financial guru” mission statements that I’m most familiar with are Dave Ramsey and Warren Buffet. If you don’t know who Warren Buffet is, close this window and look him up. Seriously, its' more important that you know about him, than read the rest of this.

Warren’s big message is that investing consistently and constantly is more important than hitting a big strike. He says that shifting your assets all the time is fine but, in the long run, it doesn’t matter that much. Dave Ramsey’s big lesson is to pay your debts with dedication and to work them down instead of trying to “wiggle” around them with refinancing and shit like that.

Are you ready for the insight? That’s the same fucking message. So Warren Buffet (the most respected financial advisor EVAR) and Dave Ramsey (snake oil salesman) are saying the same thing. Finances are hard and they take a marathon approach. There is no substitute for hard work. The only difference is that Warren works with people with wealth and Dave works with people with debt.

Take that and let it rattle in your head. OK, now go to your mirror. Who is that you see? That’s the new financial you. That’s who.

Super Short Poem

Don’t ever save
A meteorite is probably
Going to hit again

I’ve never met a T-Rex
With an impressive portfolio