Looking Up: On Vacation in Las Vegas.

Editor's Note: The regular contributor to "Looking Up" is actually in Las Vegas this week, "looking up" and around the Neon City. The regular column will resume next week. In the interim, the CPC shares with you some of our favorite pics of the Windy City, as taken by amateur photographer contributors to the CPC. Perhaps these pictures of Summer in Chicago will help to remove the sheen of Permafrost that currently blankets the entire city.

Tuesdays Lost Youtube Clip: Intelligent Artifice Dance-O-Matic 3000 Demo

Every Tuesday, the CPC brings you the YouTube clip that you missed this week. But probably should've seen.

This week, we proudly present "Intelligent Artifice Dance-O-Matic 3000 Demo." To learn more about this fascinating new innovation in the field of Dancing Automatons, you can visit this site and read the press release.

On with the demo.



If the choreography looks familiar, perhaps you've seen it somewhere else before.

Weekly Question #5: The Best Job Ever.

(Every Monday, the CPC posts a New Weekly Question. CPC visitors are invited to answer the question, debating its points, in the comments section of the site. We write the question. You write the actual article.)

Jump right in!

Sometimes, in life, we stumble onto or specifically seek out The Best Job Ever.
Maybe it's the supportive, kind employer.
Maybe it's the pleasant co-workers.
Maybe it's the job itself. Just challenging or just easy enough to fit your particular work style.
Or maybe it's the perks of the job that make it so good.

THIS WEEKS QUESTION:

Tell us about The Best Job you ever had.
How did you find it and what was so good about it?
Are you still doing it? If so, is it still The Best Job ever?
If you're not doing it anymore, why not?

Discuss!

Kathleen On The Scene: 01-26-07

Editors Note: Kathleen On the Scene, our Ace Pop Culture Girl Reporter is unavailable to submit her column this week. The CPC has been informed that Kathleen is ill from eating too much cotton candy at the Arlington Heights Winter Wonderland Festival, this week. Her mother assures us that Kathleen's recovery will be swift. She has also graciously agreed to cover the column for Kathleen this week. The CPC welcomes the temporary column, "Ruth-Anne On The Scene."

Well, hello there, CPC Readers and Everyone else! Ruth-Anne Sanger-Ormsby here and I am really thrilled as punch to be writing this column for Kathleen, while she's sick from all that cotton candy. My poor baby is on the couch right now, watching the Disney Channel and making up a list of sandwiches that she wants for lunch while she's sick! Today, I think that she's going to ask for Tuna Fish, so I better get crackin' on makin' that soon. She loves wheat bread with Tuna Fish, but prefers white bread with bologna or peanut butter and jelly. Teenage girls! They sure are a handful, aren't they?

You might be surprised to hear that this isn't my first time writing an article for someone before. When I was the secretary with Huffard-Milken in the early 1980's, one of my jobs was to write a regular column in the Huffard-Milken Gazette, which was what we called the in-company news-letter. I had a monthly column called, "The Wit and Wisdom of Ruth-Anne Morton-Sanger." (This was before I met and married Kathleens current stepdad, Mr. Ormsby. I was married to my second husband, Larry Sanger, at the time. Gosh, That was a mistake! I am very happy with Mr.Ormsby now.)

In my column, I would write some funny story about something that I had seen around the office or some bit of gossip that was going around. The only rule that I had to follow, was that I had to tie it all into something to do with shoe inserts, since that's what Huffard-Milken manufactured. At the end of each column, I would include what I called a Short Meditation. Something to think about, for that month. What I didn't tell anyone was that I copied them directly out of my Chicken Noodle For the Secretary's Heart, Daily Calendar! Ha ha! Nobody ever figured that out! Pretty smart for this old gal, wasn't it?

Anywhoodles, Charlie Paige tells me that Kathleen does these weekly columns on what's hot and what's not in the pop culture! While I have to admit that I don't watch the Entertainment Tonight or read any of Kathleens magazines, I think I have a pretty good feel for the pulse of the nation! I think I'm a pretty cool mom! I bet this is going to be a snap! Here we go!

IN: Using the Internet.
OUT: Watching the Tv.

IN: Jon Stewart (wow! So cute!)
OUT: Dan Rather (where is that guy these days?)

IN: Sting's newest album.
OUT: That trashy music that Kathleen plays well after her bedtime.

IN: Having my son, Jeremy, load my songs for me on my new ipod.
OUT: Having him take off all the nasty rap songs that he puts on there for a joke. (Ha ha, Jeremy!)

IN: Sweaters
OUT: Capri Pants and Sandals.

IN: Baking Sugar Cookies and Peanut Butter cookies.
OUT: Baking Pumpkin Pies and holiday cookies.

IN: Watching CSI:Las Vegas at night curled up in bed with Mr. Ormsby.
OUT: Watching "The View" when I could be doing more productive things, like finally cleaning out the hallway closet.

IN: Teenage Charge Card Accounts at the Mall.

OUT: Doing chores for allowance.

IN: Going over to your friends house when you want to play or something.
OUT: Hassling your mother for a pink, cell-phone for your birthday!

IN: Dressing up like some sort of hootchie-mama for school.
OUT: Dressing like a well-mannered young lady.

Oh gosh, I have to go, gang! Kathleen is yelling for me from the living room and my son, Jeremy wants to play his video games on the family computer. I'll let him check my spelling and send this column off for me to Charlie at the CPC. I have a feeling that someone is hungry for a tuna fish sandwich.

Before I go though, I do want to leave you with this one bit of wisdom from the Chicken Soup for a Mothers Soul. I find it to be inspirational.

"The greatest gift that a mother can give is her H.E.A.R.T. That stands for her Help, Empathy, Attention, Reassurance and Time." - Anonymous

PS. MY MOM IS TOTALLY GAY!

The Do-Gooder's Corner: One-Brick.Org

Early on a Saturday morning, people file into a downtown office building lobby. A woman wearing an orange fleece jacket asks “Are you here for One Brick?” Another orange fleece-clad woman asks people to sign in and hands them a nametag with the logo “OneBrick.org – Volunteering Made Easy.” Once everyone arrives, they are brought up to the offices where they will spend the next three to four hours counting letters, assembling boxes and stuffing envelopes for a charitable organization. At the end of their assignment, most of the One Brick volunteers will go out for lunch or drinks and get to know each other better.

Welcome to One Brick, an organization that provides an easy way to get involved and make a difference. One Brick supplies a volunteer pool to charitable organizations and encourages social networking among its volunteers. Started in December 2001 in San Francisco, One Brick has expanded to four cities nationwide. One Brick Chicago recently marked its second anniversary.

On One Brick’s website (www.onebrick.org), volunteers can sign up to participate in a range of different activities (called “events”). Recent events include sorting food at the Greater Chicago Food Depository, stuffing envelopes at the Muscular Dystrophy Association, ushering at the Goodman Theater or painting rooms at the YMCA.

At lunch after a recent event, one volunteer named James said he started volunteering with One Brick because he wanted to give “something back.” Others wanted to do something good while meeting new people. Another volunteer, Ilango half joked that he decided to volunteer with One Brick in order to “rebuild his soul.” Other volunteers mention they like One Brick’s flexibility, as there is no minimum commitment for volunteers.

Looking to volunteer and to meet new people? Check out One Brick at www.onebrick.org.

Looking Up: The People's Gas Building.

So is everyone looking up? Seriously, one of the hardest habits I had to break before really studying architecture was to actually look up. I know how it is, you’re staring at the ground looking for cash someone dropped, but trust me, you will gain more knowledge by actually just…looking up.

Okay, I want to piggyback on my last post about The Art Institute and its Beaux Arts design. Remember how I said Daniel Burnham designed the Columbian Exposition in the Beaux Arts style, and how some of the Chicago architects were pissed because Burnham was taking the easy way out? ‘Member?

Well Burnham was a business man; he was gregarious and outgoing and would happily change something on the design of his buildings if you wanted him to. He was a forward thinker, but when it came to his designs, he usually played it safe. While Louis Sullivan was designing a brand new kind of building (the skyscraper), Burnham was doing the same thing, but building these distinctively American buildings (seriously, the skyscraper is truly one of the only American art forms) in the same way he had built the worlds fair, Beaux Arts style.



Check out this building, the People’s Gas Building at the corner of Adams and Michigan. Designed in 1910, this is one of the later buildings in Burnham’s career, but look closely at his beautiful (and HUMONGOUS) skyscraper, and you will see a visual representation of Burnham’s fear. He built a skyscraper holding on for dear life to the Beaux Arts aesthetic.

We all know the People’s Gas building, probably passed by it a million times, it holds the worlds busiest Bennigans, and unfortunately, that’s about as far as most people’s knowledge goes. But next time you’re out, take a look at this amazing building and notice a few things.

First, Burnham manages to cling to his forever love, the Greek Column. In fact, he lines his buildings entrance with them, 26 feet high and 30 tons of ‘em. Also notice Burnham uses them again at the top or “cornice” of the building; he sure does love his columns. Burnham also adds some lovely animals, lions separate light globes above the columns which we know from our Art Institute lions is a very Beauxy step.

The People’s Gas Building is a really great building to watch Burnham’s style. He took the “newfangled” skyscraper and made it look as classic as possible. We end up with one of the most beautiful and opulent skyscrapers on the Michigan Avenue Cliff, but we know too, that the beauty came from what Burnham already knew how to build, not any kind of real innovation, that, he left to his partners. More on that next week.

Field Sobriety Test: A Brief Economics Lesson.

A Solid Investment of Your Time.

I’ve done some investigative work on the fan base of The Chicago Post Collective and it turns out that everyone that reads this webpage is broke. Tapped out. With Depleted Funds. Broke. I know this because everyone that I ever meet is fucking broke. My day job is in the financial world so I have an exponentially higher amount of contact with “financial gurus.” So, I’m here to help.

For those of you outside of my world, a “financial guru” is kind of the snake oil salesman of the financial world. They yell and jump around and chop up credit cards on stage and all together do a bunch of crazy shit…then they teach you how to save. They are basically televangelists whose God is money. This is assuming that all televangelists aren’t greedy fucks, but that’s a whole ‘nother column.

My favorite “financial guru” is Dave Ramsey. Dave is a bald, smiley, energetic Texan who hops around on stage and generally tap dances for his audience. He’s been on Oprah so you know he’s legit. There are two things about Dave Ramsey that make my love for him strange. The first is that his company, Financial Peace University, is faith based. I’m not a very Christian person but he has entire sections of his tapes where he talks about if a person should tithe on net or gross income. The other thing that makes my love for Dave strange is that my love for him is 100% un-ironic. I actually like this guy, however slimy he is. Dave is a Christian, Republican, showman…but he knows his shit, which brings us to this column’s

Fun Fact Section

Under current Bankruptcy laws, a bankrupt mofo (hereafter referred to as “mofo”(that’s legal talk)) has to go to two classes to get their debts removed.

The first class is called Consumer Credit Counseling and it’s done super early in the process. It’s super fast and can be done in a matter of minutes on the phone. The early reports on this thing is that it isn’t really helping anyone except for Counseling centers which, I’m sure if we looked deeper into them, are corrupt as the bee-jeesus.

The second class that a mofo has to go through is call Financial Budget counseling. In this class, a mofo learns to budget and save and how financial institutions such as credit card companies and banks learn.

What does this have to do with “financial gurus”, you ask? Well, Dave Ramsey’s company (Financial Peace University) is certified to give out Financial Budget counseling. No big deal, right? WRONG! It’s a very very round about way of giving a faith based organization an official government nod. This is some paranoid shit to me but I think eventually, it could be used in the Republican push to make Christian school more official.

Dave’s message, although faith based, is pretty good. Which brings us to this column’s

Insight Section

The two “financial guru” mission statements that I’m most familiar with are Dave Ramsey and Warren Buffet. If you don’t know who Warren Buffet is, close this window and look him up. Seriously, its' more important that you know about him, than read the rest of this.

Warren’s big message is that investing consistently and constantly is more important than hitting a big strike. He says that shifting your assets all the time is fine but, in the long run, it doesn’t matter that much. Dave Ramsey’s big lesson is to pay your debts with dedication and to work them down instead of trying to “wiggle” around them with refinancing and shit like that.

Are you ready for the insight? That’s the same fucking message. So Warren Buffet (the most respected financial advisor EVAR) and Dave Ramsey (snake oil salesman) are saying the same thing. Finances are hard and they take a marathon approach. There is no substitute for hard work. The only difference is that Warren works with people with wealth and Dave works with people with debt.

Take that and let it rattle in your head. OK, now go to your mirror. Who is that you see? That’s the new financial you. That’s who.

Super Short Poem

Don’t ever save
A meteorite is probably
Going to hit again

I’ve never met a T-Rex
With an impressive portfolio

Tuesdays Lost Youtube Clip: Frenchy Rides A Rollercoaster.

Every Tuesday, the CPC brings you the YouTube clip that you missed this week. But probably should've seen.

This week, we proudly present "Frenchy Rides A RollerCoaster".

Kathleen On The Scene: 01/19/07

Editors Note:
Today's Kathleen On The Scene article could not be posted on our regular schedule.

Today, Kathleen underwent minor orthodontic surgery to have her first set of braces installed. The CPC has recently received notice from Kathleen's mother, that the procedure was a success. When she regains consciousness, it's expected that Kathleen will be very excited about the pink rubber bands that she chose for her braces.

CPC Readers who wish to send Kathleen notes of support and other well-wishes, may send those to KathleenontheScene@yahoo.com.

The Editors of the CPC wish Kathleen a speedy recovery and a healthy return! We look forward to the return of her column, next week!

Charlie Paige - CPC EIC.

The Player: The Burning Crusade.

The Burning Crusade is officially unleashed on the world, God help us all.

I've never been particularly moderate when it comes to video gaming; I know what I like and I'm not afraid to spend eight to twelve hours in one sitting to get it. Fortunately the games that can interest me for that full span are few and far between. In recent memory, I would probably count Guitar Hero II and maybe Phantasy Star Universe (barely). But there are some games that really steal my life away, starting back in my high school days with Phantasy Star Online (10 days played on my main, a level 180 HUcast) and progressing naturally into MMOs.

The undisputed king of MMOs, both in the market and in my heart, is World of Warcraft. I have three level 60s (the former maximum level), which isn't a mean amount, representing roughly thirty days of in-game play time. But I must've played at least twice that much, since World of Warcraft is the one game I can't quit. I keep on trying but inevitably, like a beaten dog, I come back asking for more. I know the game is terrible at level 60. I know there isn't a single piece of content that I haven't experienced at least twice on some alt or another. And I know there's NOTHING left for me to do... but I just can't let it go.

And now the Burning Crusade has arrived. World of Warcraft's first expansion, destined to fix all of Warcraft's flaws and destroy my life completely. I was in line at GameStop 12:01AM Tuesday to get my copy. I had it installed by 12:30 and I was up until 3 actually playing it. Work was really awesome the next day. I'm not quite sure what's possessed me so completely about the expansion -- I mean, I was in the beta, and I've played Warcraft before top to bottom -- but I feel a burning desire to quit my job and just play full time. Happily, I have enough restraint to resist. But only because I can sneak in six hours a day after work. It's like the part-time job I pay Blizzard to play!

To make matters worse, though, all my friends are steadily progressing from 60 to 70 (the new level cap), I've decided to create a new character and join the ranks of one of the new expansion races: the Blood Elves. (I rolled a Paladin. Yeah, roll your eyes.) Though I'm only level 14 now, I hope to level up at a truly startling pace. I love Blood Elves and also I love Paladins. Also, I play way too much. At this rate I'm primed to burn out on my lowbie Blood Elf Paladin, which I can't honestly say would be a bad thing. But on the day after the official release all I can do at work is think about getting home and playing more.

I'll take some pictures of my Paladin next time I'm in-game. Until then, you just have to take my word for it that he's almost ludicrously hot. Consider that a teaser for next week's post.

Looking Up: The Art Institute.

The ancient Greeks called architecture the “mother of all arts”. Architecture is the way we tell our stories, the way we rebel against the status quo, the way we bring beauty to the earth in the most visible way possible. But in “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”, Victor Hugo wrote that “the book will destroy the building” insinuating that we will tell our stories on paper, instead of stone.

I don’t believe it.

So with this column I will attempt to reveal to you the history and the story behind the buildings that you see around you every day.

The first building on our mother-of-arts tour holds art itself, the aptly named Art Institute.



The Art Institute was designed by Sheply, Rutan and Coolidge and finished in 1893, the same year as the Columbian Exposition, the first of two World’s Fairs held in Chicago. The building is done in the “Beaux Arts” style, as most buildings of that time were. If you were an architect in the 1890’s, you had one school to go to, the Ecole des Beaux Arts in Paris, and they would teach you to design a building exactly like the Art Institute: three arched doorways, Corinthian columns, the names of artists that run across the top of the building under the cornice line, a grand entryway and the use of animals are all features of a Beaux Arts building.

Take a close look at the lions. They’re different! The northern one is called “On The Prowl” and the southern one is called “In The Attitude Of Defiance”. They were designed by Edward Kemeys for the Worlds Fair and moved from Jackson Park to their current locations.

The real story of the Institute is what it represents. Daniel Burnham, designer of the Worlds Fair, decided to go with a classic Beaux Arts design in the Court of Honor for the Exposition. Some, like Chicago’s own Louis Sullivan, were horrified by his decision, believing that Burnham was taking the safe route. At the time, Chicago architects were building a new kind of building that didn’t rely on the outdated architecture of the Greeks and the Romans, and Sullivan believed that the Worlds Fair would set architecture back 50 years.

Burnham and Sullivan, oil and vinegar.

Here’s the best quote ever, Charles Hutchinson, the president of the Art Institute in 1893 said “We have made our money in pigs, but is that any reason why we should not spend it on paintings?”

Right on Mr. Hutchinson, right on.

Tuesdays Lost Youtube Clip: The Glorious Return of Break Dancing!

Every Tuesday, the CPC brings you the YouTube clip that you missed this week. But probably should've seen.

This week, we proudly present "The Glorious Return of Break Dancing!".

Weekly Question #3: Star Trek Vs Star Wars!

Kathleen On The Scene: 01/12/07

Hey Hipsters! Kathleen on the Scene here! Second week here at CPC. Good times. I’ve been working it out and about finding the scoop on the scene. So here’s the latest trend report, fresh out of the oven. Eat em up!

-KOTS

IN: iPod Phones
OUT: Camera Phones

IN: Ricky Gervais in Extras
OUT: Ricky Gervais in The Office

IN: Super Skinny Models
OUT: Deathly Skinny Models

IN: Cyber Paper Dolls
OUT: Cyber Coloring Books

IN: Admitting Mistakes
OUT: Denial

IN: Bon Mots
OUT: Quips

IN: Splenda=Poison
OUT: Sweet ‘n Low=Poison

IN: Cutesy Ear Muffs
OUT: Cutesy Page Boy Hats

IN: Pleasantly Drunk DeVito
OUT: Belligerently Drunk Gibson

IN: Hand Crafts
OUT: Scrapbooking

IN: Pleasantries
OUT: Small Talk

Field Sobriety Test: Shove this in your Whole, Foods!

Scathing Investigative Journalism

God, Allah, and Brigham Young all agree on one thing. People need a Sabbath to recoup from bad things. Now, in the olden days, a Jew, Muslim, or Mormon would work in the fields all week and need a day to concentrate on mental reflection. I, on the other hand, work on poetry, comedy, and literature all week. I need a day to do “real” things such as laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

I call this the Reverse Sabbath. My Reverse Sabbath is Sunday.

On a Sunday morning, I usually wake up, kick the three or four hawt chicks out of my apartment, and get to work. The first thing I do on reverse Sabbath is grocery shopping. I bundle up, get my money, and walk to the train (in often freezing cold). I take the train two stops to my local Jewel, and buy shit for my week. Why is this noteworthy, you ask? Because I live two doors from a Whole Foods Marked. This might seem silly to some, but wait for it.

For those of you who don’t live in the Chicago-land area, Whole Foods Market is a grocery store in this area that specializes in organic and specialty foods. It’s a collective of dread locks, thick rimmed glasses, and hummus that drives me up the effing wall. I travel very far away as to not shop at Whole Foods for two reasons. The first is a theoretical reason but the obvious one is that Whole Foods is crazy expensive, which brings us to this column’s

Fun Fact Section

For this week’s column, I took the Chicago Post Collective to the next level by doing some scathing investigative journalism. I walked to Whole Foods and Jewel with a pad and paper to write down prices (take that, Kathleen on the Scene). Here goes.



Yowzers, right? You know what, it’s a free market and if you want to spend your shit on that shit, that’s fine. But, the reason that you shouldn’t brings us to this column’s

Insight Section

Whole Foods is a fucking scam. One time, a friend of mine and I were sitting at a coffee shop minding our own when a big group of Whole Foods managers walked in and started going through a “check in” meeting. They were saying stuff like, we need to “add value” to this and we need to make sure we’re a team, not a group of “freelancers” and I thought, “Wow, that sounds like every douche bag manager I’ve ever had in a service industry.” Guess what readers! They are!

Whole Foods is in the all American business of anti-marketing. It’s text book snob-appeal marketing but snobs in America come in two forms – the elite and the modern hippie. The modern hippie gets satisfaction out of paying five dollars for a gallon of milk because they are actually paying for the fact that they better than people that eat gluten. It’s silly. No one should shop there. It’s label pricing filtered through anti-marketing. I hope they go out of business. This column has been short and angry. I apologize but walking to two grocery stores has eaten up all my thinking time.

The real conclusion here is that hippie culture has gone from an accepting turn away from the moderate fascism of everyday 50’s life into its own little sub set of elitism. This little sub-set of elitism has been co-opted (get it) by major marketing corporations such as Whole Foods and American Apparel. If you see a hippie on the street today, please tell them that they are hurting the world and that gluten actually tastes pretty good.

Super Short Poem

To My Cashier at the Grocery Store:

Nice tattoos.
Nice black hoodie.

Sweetie, I’ve got bad news.

You aren’t a revolution.
You’re a demographic.

Tuesdays Lost Youtube Clip: Milo's Humps!

Every Tuesday, the CPC brings you the YouTube clip that you missed this week. But probably should've seen.

This week, we proudly present "Milo's Humps".

True Tales of Theatrical Terror: "The Sound of Music"

100% TRUE! 100% TERRIFYING!

A friend of mine, let’s call him Mark, since that’s his name, was in a post-collegiate, semi-professional touring show for The Sound of Music.

One of the cast members prided herself on the authenticity of her Austrian dialect. She’d spent a few token years of her adolescent life, living in Austria. So, the chance to use her “authentic” dialect in the part of the Mother Superior, was a rare treat for her.

However, one line of dialogue was always slightly warped by the pronunciation. The Austrian dialect, though phonetically correct, sounded “wrong” and would always reduce the rest of the cast into fits of naughty giggles. The director tried several times to get the Mother Superior to change the dialect in that sentence, but the former Austrian held firm and would not budge on the matter.

And so it was that in every performance the supporting cast would gather in the wings, as Maria went back to her Mother Superior to express fear and anxiety about her emerging feelings for Captain Von Trapp, only to hear the line “Maria, what is you can’t face” ring out very clearly as “Maria, what is you CUNT face?”

Got a TRUE TALE of THEATRICAL TERROR that you want to tell? Email it to Chiposcol@gmail.com and your story could be featured in an upcoming TToTT article.

Weekly Question #2: Write a Letter to a TV Character.

(Every Monday, the CPC posts a New Weekly Question. CPC visitors are invited to answer the question, debating its points, in the comments section of the site. We write the question. You write the actual article.)

Jump right in!

This week, we're trying out a short writing assignment, instead of a question! Let's see how it goes!

THIS WEEKS QUESTION:

Write a short letter to the TV character of your choice, expressing how you really feel about them.

Discuss!

Weekly Question #1: Worst Movie Ever Made.

(On every Monday, the CPC posts a New Weekly Question. CPC visitors are invited to answer the question, debating its points, in the comments section of the site. We write the question. You write the actual article.)

Jump right in!

THIS WEEKS QUESTION:

What is the absolute worst movie ever made and why?

Discuss!

Kathleen On The Scene: 01-05-07

Hey Hipsters!
It’s just little ole Kathleen on the Scene here. I’m out here on the scene bringing you what’s hot and what’s not. I take it all into my mind grapes and squeeze out a fresh trend report for you once a week. It’s just how KotS works.
So take a look-see at what’s IN and OUT this week. . .
(and if you spot any trends out there, why don’t you drop a line to KathleenontheScene@yahoo.com? It very well may end up in the next report!)
See you on the Scene!

IN: Hand Craft-iness
OUT: Modern Minimalism

IN: Celebs wetting themselves
OUT: Celebs sans underpants

IN: Praying for the end of the skinny jeans trend
OUT: Praying for the end of the poncho trend

IN: Board Game Parties
OUT: Poker Parties

IN: Ampersand
OUT: Umlaut

IN: Maintaining many friendships strictly thru MySpace Comments
OUT: A few real friendships

IN: Manatees
OUT: Pandas

IN: Wii
OUT: DS

IN: Trans Fat Paranoia
OUT: Saturated Fat Paranoia

IN: Battling S.A.D.
OUT: Battling A.D.D.

Field Sobriety Test: Get Up On Some Wrastling, Yal!

2007 is upon us, ladies and gentlemen. Most people think of New Years as a time of insane revelry but, (as a sober fellow) I have more time to reflect than others. In ancient Iroquois custom, New Years Eve is the night when a young man gets drunk on "fire water" and calls their "ex-girlfriends" to find out if they still "love them."

In other parts of the world, NYE is the biggest night in Mixed Martial Arts or MMA. Mixed Martial Arts is the technical term for grown ass men getting into a cage and wasting each other with their fists. The sport has evolved into a combination of kickboxing, jiu-jitsu, wrestling, and other nasty things that fuck people up. I'm assuming that most of our readers are American so the context that most of us know MMA is The Ultimate Fighting Championship, or UFC. This leads us to this column's

Fun Fact Section

The fun fact that I'm leaving with you fine readers is that MMA is a huge, huge sport on the global scale. The UFC is really kind of a minor league in the grand scheme of things. Brazil, Canada, and Russia all have massive fight leagues. However, most top fighters in the world fight in the Japanese league, PRIDE FC. In Japan the sport is so huge there that they have are several minor leagues such as Shooto and K-1.

The best way of wrapping my brain around UFC as a minor league is to think in terms of soccer. The UFC is kind of like Serie A in Italy. There are tons of good teams in Serie A, and most Italians probably follow Italian soccer more than British soccer but the top Italian players play in the English Premiership League. Lots of top American fighters leave the UFC to fight in PRIDE FC. Isn't that interesting? I'm actually assuming a lot of this since I've never met anyone from Italy.

Fighting is a way bigger deal in the world than it is in the US but it seems to be gaining popularity, which brings us to this column's

Insight

The first time I watched the UFC, I went ironically. An improv friend of mine invited me over to watch the fights and I figured if would be a silly fun time. That night, I watched a French Canadian Jiu-Jitsu master take on a Hawaiian brawler in a match for number one contender in the Welter Weight division. The French Canadian came out swinging and caught an uppercut one the tip of his nose in the fist two minutes of the fight. The French Canadian went on to fight thirteen more minutes with blood gushing out of his nose and one of is eyes swollen shut from a punch. He fought hard and strong and pulled out a close decision due to ring control and impressive wrestling. Everyone on earth should have seen it. Everyone.

Coming from Indiana when I think of basketball, I think of Reggie Miller bitching for two hours straight or Ronnie Artest asking to quit for a few months to make a rap record. When I think of football, I think of Peyton Manning pouting on the sidelines after blowing another big game. Football is the sport where TO thought it was funny to mock his lack of preparation by pretending to sleep in the end zone. When I think of fighting, I think of pure human emotion. If you have even a shred of belief in what I'm saying, you owe it to yourself to catch at least one MMA event. Which brings us to

Stuff for Your Free Time

Please visit www.sherdog.com and find a fighter that looks interesting to you and invest in them. Might I suggest Georges St. Pierre. He's from France-Canada and he's super good.

Super Short Poem

Nero's ancient gladiators
Fought inspired by zealotry to Ares
and the distant promise of freedom

Pay-per-view's modern gladiators
Fight inspired by growth hormone
and the major promise of minor fame